The Jokes on Them: Arkham Asylum
by Fautus8
Summary: The story of how Joker made his Harley Quinn from the ashes of stuffy psychiatrist, Dr Harleen Quinzel. Rated T but will probably go up. Please review, compliments are accepted but constructive criticism is craved!
1. Dr Harleen Quinzel

If you find yourself liking the style but wanting maybe some fluff or adventures head on over to my collection of one-shots called The Jokes on Them. I take requests on that one ;)

s/12087166/1/The-Jokes-on-Them

DISCLAIMER: Based off of characters created by Bob Kane, Paul Dini & Bruce Timm and set in the universe of David Ayer's Suicide Squad. I own nothing except a piece of paper and a pencil with which I write my fan fiction

* * *

"Listen, Harleen, Gotham is no place for a beautiful young girl." Mason said, over the phone.

Harleen held the cell-phone to her ear with her shoulder as she dug in her purse for the bus pass. "You're just worried some young Gothamite's gonna steal me away." She said, teasingly as she handed it to the bus driver and took her seat. "I've been here a week already and no one's broke into my apartment, come onto me or threatened to take me out to dinner."

"I'm not kidding, Harleen." Mason said, worry in his voice. "You still haven't told me if you got the job at Arkham or not."

Harleen was quiet. She had before she'd even moved but with how worried Mason was about her, she had been hesitant about telling him. "I'm, uh, actually on my way to start my first day."

She heard Mason swear quietly. "That's it. I'm coming up there. You're gonna get yourself killed."

She took a seat on the bus and sighed. "Mason, you are to finish your degree, do you hear me? You're not gonna throw all that away just 'cause you think I can't handle myself."

"It's not like that, I know you can handle yourself against the average asshole but Arkham Asylum's full of freaks, psycho, serial killing meta humans!" Mason continued.

Harleen thought it was thrilling, but she kept her mouth shut. "I love you, Mason, but I've gotta go over my paperwork one more time. I'll call you when I get off tonight, promise." She said.

She could hear the frustration in his voice. "Love you too. If I don't hear from you by ten I'm on the first bus." The line clicked.

Harleen tucked her cell phone in her purse, taking out the files she'd received from Dr Arkham. She had one more secret from Mason, as bad as it made her feel, she would succeed in saving the Arkham Asylum inmate known as the Joker from his demons. Then she would laugh in the face of all her psychology professor's who'd told her she didn't have what it takes to make it.

* * *

Arkham Asylum was abuzz. Despite all the staff's hard effort, the inmates had heard they had a new doctor coming in. Fresh meat; and they were insufferable. You couldn't walk through a single hall without hearing the endless questions and threats.

Dr Joan Leland remembered what it was like to be new at Arkham, how everyone wanted to break you. Even your fellow doctor's.

She'd been in charge of interviewing Ms. Quinzel and she'd actually told her no, several times, but she was so, damn insistent. Joan was convinced she wouldn't make it through her orientation.

Harleen Quinzel was going through the security check when Joan arrived at the door. She waited patiently for Tom to buzz her through the gate. She extended her hand. "It's a pleasure to meet you, Dr. Quinzel. I'm Dr Joan Leland, we spoke on the phone."

Harleen smiled, shaking her hand with the enthusiasm of the young trying to be professional. "It's a pleasure to meet you, Dr. Leland. I have to say, I'm thrilled to get this opportunity."

Joan gave her a patronizing smile. "I'm sure that will wear off soon." She said. "Come with me. I'll give you the tour."

"When am I to meet with Dr. Arkham?" Harleen asked.

"Once I've shown you around, I'll take you to his office." Dr Joan explained. She explained the safety procedures to Harleen as they took the elevator down to the first floor offenders. "And here is the group you'll be working with." She began.

"Dr Leland," Harleen began. "I understand that most people start with the first level criminals and work there way down but I specifically studied sociopaths in college in the hopes of working with the Rogue's Gallery."

Joan stopped at the end of the hallway. "With all due respect, Harleen, you're not the first young blood to come in here and request the Rogue's Gallery and I can tell you with utmost certainty that you will not be assigned to anyone down there in your first week. Probably not in your first ten years, if you make it that long."

Harleen bit her tongue, as they made their way to the staff quarters.

"The break room is right through there and offices are down this corridor." Joan continued. "Once you meet with Dr Arkham, I'll show you to your office and you can begin going over your files. Your first session will be tomorrow."

Harleen nodded as they stopped outside of a room. The plaque read Dr. J Arkham, psychiatrist.

Joan watched her, looking for signs of wavering. It looked like Dr Quinzel would take a little while before she ran away in fear of the nightmares of Arkham Asylum.

* * *

Harleen practically threw her files on her desk. She had two patients, one was a mere burglar who thought he was Catwoman's son and another who only spoke in Shakespeare quotes. She sighed, sitting in her chair. She knew she would have to give it a real go if she was going to make her way to the Rogues Gallery, to the Joker.

She was going to become very quickly reliant on caffeine in this position.


	2. The Joker

He had heard the cacophony of noise all week as he sat patiently in his cell. The rumors abounded, plans were made… The new doctor had arrived.

There was only speculation of course, until the first wave of people from the common room came back to their cells.

"Did you hear? Jace said she walked right by his cell. Young one, too, pretty." Joker heard the voices echoing down the halls.

"Jace is who you're gonna trust?" Another voice responded. "The new doctor's probably some old man."

"Everyone shut up!" Dalton, the good old faithful floor guard for the Rogue's Gallery, spoke.

Joker stood to go to the bars of his cage as the cell block filled with the sounds of the inmates silly obstinance. Soon, doors would be opening, the sound of a baton would fill the air and if Dalton was really lucky, they'd quiet down for a few moments.

Across the hall from him, Edward Nygma was waiting just as patiently, with a small, knowing smile.

"Oh, you know, don't you." Joker guessed, giving Riddler what he wanted, an audience. "You saw the new doctor and you want me to ask you all about them."

Riddler merely continued to smile. "We have no reason to care, now do we? Fresh meat never hits the Rogues Gallery till it's been through the grinder a few times."

"Well, I love me some hamburger." Joker commented. He turned back towards his cot but Riddler's voice stopped him in his tracks.

"I do have one piece of information you'll find intriguing."

"I doubt it." Joker said, but turned to face him anyway.

The smile on Riddler's face was obscene. "Our new doctor is in fact a pretty, young female. And her name is Harleen, Harleen Quinzel."

Harlequin.

The Joker began laughing, it was a twisted, dark sound and it mingled with the sound of Dalton's baton beating on some poor sap before rising above it to emerge as the only noise in the cell block.

Within minutes, Dalton was in front of his door, surveying the man who was nearly doubled over with laughter. "The hell is your problem, Joker?" He asked.

The Joker wiped a tear from his eye. "Oh, it's really nothing, my dear Dalton." He said. "But, may you, perhaps, speak with Dr. Arkham for me?"

Dalton hesitated. Only one time before had Joker asked a guard to send a message for him and needless to say, that guard didn't work here anymore. "What's the message?" He asked, suspiciously.

"Tell him I'd like to talk about my treatment." Joker said, slowly stepping towards the bars.

"You've been seeing the same damn doc for four months now and you ain't said a word to them, what makes you think Dr Arkham's gonna listen to you?" Dalton asked.

Joker leaned against the bars, lazily letting his arms hang through. Dalton took a few steps back and Joker chuckled. "I've had a change of heart." He said.

Dalton still wasn't convinced but after a moment's thought he nodded. "I'll think about it."

Joker moved so suddenly that Dalton almost dropped his baton, but he merely bowed. "Thank you, so much for your kindness." He said.

Riddler watched Dalton go. "What was all that about?"

"I just thought we might skip the grinder." Joker said, laying back on his cot he began to whistle a jaunty little tune. He hadn't had a good joke in awhile. Really, he'd been such a good boy, he deserved a little fun.


	3. The Request

"He wants her?" Joan asked, flabbergasted. "You can't seriously be considering it! He just wants to play with her."

"We've had Joker in here a dozen times. He's escaped more times than we've had him, I think! It seems to me that he will play with us regardless of what we do."

"So you are considering it." Joan couldn't believe it. She sat down, sighing. "Why?"

"You'll sit in on their first session." Dr Arkham assured her. "If she can get anything from him, I'll consider making it more permanent. If you think he just wants to toy with us some more, I'll put an end to it."

Joan rubbed her temple. "When is this farce scheduled?"

"I'm waiting to read her first week reports before I say." Dr Arkham said. "Please keep this between us until then."

Joan nodded. "Of course, Dr Arkham."

* * *

Harleen stood in the staff room, pouring her coffee and trying to put her last session from her mind.

"Shit!"

Harleen turned to see an orderly drop the contents of his bag all over the floor. "Are you alright?" She asked, going over to help him.

He glanced up at him. "I'm-" He blinked. "I'm fine." He began picking up his medical supplies only to find there was a whole in his bag. He sighed, deeply before attempting to smile at Harleen. "You must be Dr Quinzel, I'm Jude."

"Just call me Harleen." She said. "Is there something I can do to help you?"

Jude lightened a little. "Actually, if you want to help me carry this stuff to floor fifteen, there's a cart there." He said. "I'm already late and then I won't have to go back to the infirmary."

Harleen's heart skipped a beat. Floor fifteen was the Rogues Gallery.

She glanced at all the needles, bottles and pills. "What happened?" She asked, grabbing as much as she could carry.

"Just routine tranquilizers." Jude explained. "Can you call the elevator?"

"Sure." Harleen pushed the button and Jude turned around to reveal a card on his belt.

"You'll have to swipe this before you choose the floor."

Harleen unclasped it. There was a moment of silence as the elevator began going down.

"It gets better." Jude said, suddenly.

"Huh?" Harleen asked.

"The whole fresh blood thing. I'm just an orderly and I got it too." Jude said. "Plus you're cute so I'm sure that'll help." He blushed a little.

Harleen smiled. "Thanks, Jude." She said. "What made you want to give shots to psychos?"

He chuckled. "Sounds silly when you say it like that." He said. "I guess I just don't like the idea of anyone suffering when they're sick."

The elevator dinged and Harleen followe Jude. He pulled a cart from it's cubby and they dumped the supplies on it.

"Who's your friend, Jude?" A guard asked, coming over to check on who had arrived.

"Dalton, this is Harleen." Jude explained, setting his things up.

Harleen extended her hand. "Dr. Quinzel." She tried to get a glimpse into the cell block but the guards body mass was blocking her only view.

Dalton didn't move to shake her hand. "You can't be down here without authorization, Dr Quinzel." He said.

She nodded, hiding her disappointment. "Of course."

Jude gave her a smile. "Thanks, Harleen."

"Anytime." Harleen said, stepping back into the elevator. She went back to her cold coffee in the staff room. She glanced at the clock. "Oh, no." She'd forgotten that she was on her way to deliver her reports to Dr Arkham. She scooped them up from the table, abandoning the styrofoam cup and ran down the hallway. She stopped outside the door to collect herself and catch her breath before knocking.

"Come in." Dr Arkham called.

Harleen entered, shutting the door behind her. "I'm so sorry, Dr Arkham. I was helping an orderly and I just lost track of time."

Dr Arkham smiled at her, extending his hand for the files. "Lucky for you, I'm not doing much today." He looked back at her after he checked the files. "You may go now, Dr Quinzel."

"Is it alright if I wait here, Dr Arkham." Harleen asked. "I'd like to hear what you think."

Dr Arkham nodded, gesturing to the seat across from his desk. "I do admire your enthusiasm, Dr Quinzel."

"Please, just Harleen." She sat, wishing she would have brought her cold coffee as Dr Arkham read through her reports.

She tried to gauge his expression but his face was unreadable.

Finally, he closed them and sat back. "This is all very professional, Harleen. I'm glad to see you trying with your patients. Most new psychiatrists here are only interested in high profile cases and it shows."

"I'd be lying if I said the high profile cases don't utterly enthral me, but I didn't come this far to be told no and just give up." Harleen said.

Dr Arkham smiled. Harleen decided she liked him, there was something very fatherly to him. "Well, you're in luck. The Joker has requested you have a session with him."

Harleen was sure she quit breathing for a moment. "He asked for me?" She asked, not sure she'd heard right.

Dr Arkham nodded. "I see you have an availability in your schedule on Tuesday. Dr Leland is to sit in on your first session. After that, we'll decide if you will stay on as his psychiatrist. In the event that happens, I'll remind you that our doctor's on high profile cases, especially those in the Rogues Gallery only have the one patient. Not just so you can focus, but because those Doctor's are more likely to fall prey to the Arkham curse."

Harleen frowned. "The Arkham curse?" She asked, she'd not heard of that.

"A great majority of our level one and two cases used to work here." Dr Arkham explained. "They couldn't handle the stress, I'm afraid. But we have great support groups for that sort of thing now. Just stay grounded and if you ever feel doubt on anything you always knew was true just come talk to me or Dr Leland."

Harleen nodded. "I will, Dr Arkham."

Dr Arkham studied her for a minute. "I hope you can make some progress with him, Harleen, but don't be surprised if you don't. He's not said a single word to a psychiatrist in any of his stays with us."

"Not one?"

Dr Arkham shook his head. "I'm sure you can imagine then why we're willing to acquisce to his request on this subject."

Harleen stood. "I'll try my hardest to make it worth it."

"I'll see you tomorrow then, Harleen."

Harleen stepped out into the hallway, looking around to see if anyone was near by before doing a ridiculous happy dance down the hallway. She reached the archives with a smile and requested the files on the Joker.

Less then a week and she would be well on her way to proving she knew something about psychiatry.


	4. Preparation

Wow, thanks for the glowing reviews everyone! The chapter's have been on the shorter side so far, including this one and the next, but they're on there way to getting longer. I wanted to wait to have chapters with both POV's until they'd officially met, it's a mechanics thing..

* * *

Joker lay on his mattress late that night, his blue eyes boring holes into the ceiling.

He'd heard her today. She must have tried to sneak in. He smiled, patience little harlequin.

He remembered the sound of her voice: she tried so hard to sound professional. She needed this. She needed to prove herself, to be validated..

He knew he was going to drive her mad but the question was merely if good old Jeremiah would let him have her.

"I heard your plan succeeded." Nygma's voice came softly across the corridor. "Tuesday at three with Quinzel and Leland."

Joker made a face, of course they were going to watch her. "A mere date night." He said, chuckling to himself. "I wouldn't call it a plan." Yet.

"Wish I could be around to see it through." Nygma said, wistfully.

Joker leant his head back to look across the hall, even though it was too dark to see. He wasn't quite as well known for his escapes as Joker, but the Riddler still had a few under his belt. "Hey, old chum, you wouldn't be plannin' on leaving at say three-fifteen on Tuesday, would ya?"

Nygma was quiet.

"Come on, I'll remember it forever." Joker said, trying to sound plaintive.

Nygma chuckled. "Very well, just promise me you'll break her and make it worth my sacrifice."

"Oh, without question, Riddler." Joker said turning his head back to the ceiling. "She'll break."

The questioned that remained was yet to be seen: would he kill her before she killed herself?

* * *

Joker woke early Tuesday morning and accepted his mess without a fight. He'd developed an immunity on his last stint out in the real world but it was important to keep up the proper facade.

He even managed to keep himself from taunting the orderly who brought his lunch.

At half to three, he stepped in front of his small sink and plastic mirror. He slicked his hair back as best as he could.

Dalton's baton racked against the bars and Joker glanced at the small mob waiting to put him in his straight jacket. "You ready, Joker?" He asked.

Without having to be told, Joker turned and crossed his arms across his chest.

He heard the door slide open and they came in to restrain him.

Dalton watched how smoothly the whole procedure had gone and stopped Joker at the door. "What are you up to?" He asked.

Joker leant forward, enunciating clearly. "Rehabilitation."


	5. Session 1

Harleen checked her phone as she gathered her coffee, notebook and files for her first session. *Hey, you didn't forget about our phone date, right?

She glanced at the clock: 2:47. Mason would just have to wait.

She checked herself in the mirror: Smart black slacks, a black blouse and her one guilty pleasure… Red heels. Not too high, of course. Sensible. She put her glasses on. "You are a successful young woman." She repeated her mantra before making her way to the session room.

Two guards were waiting outside the door.

"Is he in there?" Harleen asked, her breath catching.

"Yes, ma'am." The guard said.

Harleen took a deep breath before stepping inside.

* * *

Joker had been staring at Dr Leland for a good five minutes when he heard footsteps outside the door. For a brief moment, Dr Leland looked relieved for the distraction.

"Sorry I was late." Dr Quinzel said, coming in with full arms.

Joker took in her ensemble. Always trying to look professional. He saw her shoes and smirked. He noted she didn't shift uncomfortably under his scrutinization. Interesting.

"Not at all, Dr Quinzel. You're right on time." Dr Leland said, standing so the young doctor could take her chair.

Harleen set her things down, trying to get her first real look at the Joker without being too obvious.

He sat there, silently, is eyes on hers. In real life, he was vivid, as if a child had been allowed to color him in. His green hair was slicked back like someone out of the forties and his skin was white - not fair, literally white. She could see a collage of tattoo's coming out of the straight jacket. This led her eyes to his long, full lips, curved upwards in a smirk.

She blushed, realizing she was blatantly staring and picked up her pen. "You have quite the criminal history, Mister Joker."

His eyebrows raised in amusement. Good Lord, his eyes. Staggeringly blue, they were fiercely intelligent, full of an unnamed hunger…

He didn't respond.

"It says here you run a night club." She continued, forcing her eyes to return to the paper before her. God, he was intimidating. "Your first crime of any real note was about five years ago."

Any real note? How dare she? Joker imagined what she would look like with his hands around her dainty throat as he choked the life out of her on this very table. He forced himself to remain calm but made a note to make her pay for her cheeky comment when he got the time.

The door opened. "Dr Leland, we lost contact with level 15."

Joker smiled. Show time.

Dr Leland cursed under her breath. She glanced at Dr Quinzel as if to decide if she should end the session but she had nowhere to put Joker until the situation was contained. "Keep a close eye on that man." She ordered the guard, pointing at the Joker before leaving.

The guard shut the door behind her, standing against it.

Trying to regain her bearings, Harleen searched her notes for another question.

"Harleen Quinzel." Joker said, tasting it on his lips.

Harleen jumped, letting out a small squeal. "Yes." She said, clearing her throat. "But you can call me Dr. Quinzel."

Joker pouted. "Oh, but that's so formal!" He said, putting on a good show of thinking. "What about… Harley Quinn?"

To her credit, she seemed to have found some professionalism. "Dr Quinzel is just fine."

Joker winked at her. "Whatever you say, doc."

Harleen paused but decided to let it go. "Would you like to talk about your previous silence during sessions?" She asked. "So far, you've not spoken with any of your psychiatrists."

"I'm speaking with you." Joker pointed out.

He was, and Harleen tried not to gloat about it too much.

"I think we could be a great thing, doc." Joker said, leaning forward in his seat. "Already, I feel such an indescribable pull towards you. You're not like the other doctor's here... I think you're someone I could trust."

She was hanging off his every word. He could have laughed at the way her lips were parted, as enthralled as a person could be. He smiled, this was going to be too easy.


	6. Session 2

Harleen entered Dr. Arkham's office. Joan was already there, no doubt discussing the Riddler's escape.

"We've informed Commissioner Gordon." Dr Arkham said before acknowledging Harleen. "Good morning, Dr Quinzel. Please, take a seat."

Harleen handed him her notes before sitting. "Good morning." She didn't want to admit how nervous she was.

"Joan informed me that the Joker magazines his silence. I'd like to apo-"

Harleen interrupted him. "Actually, Dr Arkham, he said quite a lot after Dr Leland left."

Jeremiah Arkham and Joan Leland shared a glance. "Really?" Dr Arkham asked, sounding slightly shocked. "What did he say?'

"He said he thought I could be someone for him to trust." Harleen explained, trying not to sound too proud.

Joan frowned. "Well, I suppose we could have another session, just to see."

"With all due respect, ma'am." Harleen said. "I don't think he'll speak with anyone else in the room."

Jeremiah was still trying to process the fact the Joker had spoken with her as Joan explained why Harleen wasn't ready. He raised a hand to silence them. "You're officially on the case but I want thorough reports. Every little detail and Joan will be checking up on you, regularly."

Harleen let out a breath she didn't know she was holding. "Thank you, Dr Arkham."

* * *

As Joker was led into the session room, he noted the satisfied look on dear Harleen's face. The guard pushed him into the chair, but he ignored him, giving Harleen the best smile he could muster. "What a relief it is to see you again, doc." He said. "I was worried Dr Arkham wouldn't see you were the greatest moderator for my recovery."

"I'm afraid flattery will get you nowhere, Mister Joker." Harleen said, but a smile played on the corners of her mouth.

"I didn't even notice." Joker said, apologetically. "What shall we discuss today, doc?"

"How would you feel about having your common room privileges reinstated? Or perhaps, losing the straight jacket?" Harleen asked.

Joker raised an eyebrow. "Why, Dr Quinzel, you would do that for me?

Harleen inclined her head, benevolently. "Answer my questions and I can see about the amenities."

Joker sighed, heavily. "What a sad world we live in that the basic amenities are denied to the common man." He lamented.

"Common man?" Harleen asked. "Mister Joker, you and everyone else in this asylum are criminals."

"Are we?" Joker frowned. "By whose standards?"

"Society's." Harleen replied.

Joker laughed. It was the longest, deepest laugh he had had in the last four months. The good old Doctor looked quite offended. "Society?" He asked, incredulously. "That's a fickle thing, Dr Quinzel. In our fine little world there are cannibalistic societies, societies that worship blood and sex. One 'society' condemns your basic human rights while another elevates a pig to god hood! We worship money and dead men who could care less that we pray thirty times a day." He paused, sitting back. " 'Society' is a broad word to throw around."

Harleen found she needed to recover from the Joker's sudden outburst. She made a few notes to cover her lapse. "You're saying that normal exists only in a perfect world."

He chuckled this time. "Normal is a setting on the dryer, doc. A farce created by the boring, righteous man who will never realize that he wakes every single day and accomplishes nothing! In the perfect world I see, everyone merely recognizes the joke of it all. After all, what more can you accomplish in life then death?" He shrugged. "Why not die laughing, I say."

Harleen had to admit he made sense. _No, he's crazy. Get a grip, Harleen!_ She cleared her throat. "Would you say Batman is your greatest roadblock to perfection?"

"Hardly." Joker said. "Batman is my raison d'etre. He represents the blindness of man and without him, what good would my performance have?"

"So you consider yourself an artist?" Harleen asked.

"In totality."

"Some people would say you're nothing more than a glorified gangster."

Joker lurched forward, coming within an inch of Harleen and she might have fainted if he wasn't still restrained. "Is that what you think, doc?" His voice dripped venom.

Harleen searched his eyes before answering, breathlessly. "No."

Joker laughed, sitting back. "I like you, Dr Quinzel." He said, pronunciating her name clearly. "You're gonna go far."


	7. Authors Note

For all those who read this after my year long hiatus, I do apologize for abandoning you. I recently had my third child and I find it nearly impossible to write anything good while pregnant.

I've been toying around with several ideas to start up again and would like to open myself up to suggestions again. I find it quite cathartic to write a few of these a week. I'm already working on more oneshots over at The Jokes on Them and am working on where I want this little story to go.

For all of us disappointed in the first movie for falling short of its amazing potential, it looks like we're getting more chances at some JokerxHarley! Let's hope the upcoming movies do us justice!


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